January 13, 2012 would have been my due date. Last Wednesday I found out I was pregnant, and on the very same day I found out I most likely would not go on to have a viable pregnancy. I went into the doctor with stomach pain-the doctor asked if I could be pregnant, and I told her that while we were trying, I was almost 100% sure I was not, considering I had no symptoms (and I mean no symptoms) that would indicate pregnancy. She said we should do a blood test, just to make sure because she thought that if I was indeed pregnant, that I might be miscarrying due to my symptoms. I took the blood test, and then went home. On my drive home I was thinking what if I was pregnant and miscarrying? How would that make me feel? I concluded that I was be disappointed, but since I didn't know anyway that I would be okay. About an hour later I got a call from the doctor. She broke the news that my HCG levels were high and that I was pregnant, she told me to come right in because they wanted to make sure it was not an ectopic pregnancy ( I had severe pain in my side). As soon as she told me the news, I felt like all the air was sucked out of the room. How could this be happening? I was not just disappointed, I was devastated and certainly not okay. I rushed to the doctor's office and went straight in for an ultrasound. Sparing all the details, the doctor was concerned that I either had a burst ovarian cyst, or an ectopic pregnancy. As long as my pain level was under control they decided to send me home. I was labeled with an unlocated pregnancy. The doctor even said that there was hope that my pain was just due to a burst ovarian cyst, and that I might have a viable pregnancy on my hands, and that maybe it was just too early to see the baby. I knew different. When I found out I was pregnant with Ingrid I had a positive home pregnancy test 9 days before I was even supposed to be able to find out. This time around, I took 3 pregnancy test's, all of which came back negative. Even though I was pregnant, something was wrong from the very start. Long story short, I have been monitored daily since last Wednesday, and as of right now they think the pregnancy was tubal, and the baby naturally aborted out the end of my fallopian tube and miscarried. I go back in next week for a follow up appointment to discuss any risk factors of getting pregnant again. The way I understand it, if you've had a tubal pregnancy once, then you're risk of having another one is much greater.
Physically I still don't feel well at all, and the doctor said it might be another week until I feel any better. Emotionally it has been roller coaster. It's hard to know how to process loosing a pregnancy, when you didn't have time to connect with the baby in the first place. I will tell you this: it is no different whether you see two little pink lines in the privacy or your own bathroom or whether a doctor calls to tell you the news. Either way you are pregnant. This is your baby. I would say I'm resting comfortably somewhere between denial, anger, and acceptance. It really comes in waves-when I'm at the doctors office it really hits me-I'm there for a sad reason. I am so taken aback when asked if this is my 1st or 2nd pregnancy (I've heard that question a lot this week). I want to say "What?! I've only had one pregnancy!" But now, that answer has changed, I've had two. I loved being pregnant with Ingrid, it was truly one of the most cherished times in my life. I loved going to the doctor, I loved getting ultrasounds, I loved looking like a beached whale-I loved it all, it was truly bliss. Now, I know the dark side of pregnancy, the ugly side when instead of a beautiful little bundle of joy you leave the doctors office empty handed, with a piece of you missing. They figure i was about 6 weeks along-which is hard for me. I was pregnant on my birthday, I was pregnant on mother's day. Please don't get me wrong, I know there are much worse stories out there. I know people have experienced much more difficult situations regarding pregnancy. But I try not to compare-there will always be a worse story out there, but I need to grieve our loss-unique to our situation. I only hope and pray that we will be able to have a successful pregnancy in the future. We will take one day at a time, and wait to feel peace with whatever happens. I am reading a novel right now, and last night I came across this line "Understanding why something happens is a lot less important then understand that God will be there to see you through". I plan to hold on to that.
Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement!